oh, just one more thing

on my way home from the airport in paris, i wrote in my notebook some more. warning: i get emotional.

12/11/07 about 8pm on the RER to paris
yes, my trip was wonderful and i should be focusing on that right now, but i can't. i'm anxious from a whole day of traveling. i wasn't antsy until i sat on the plane from ams to cdg and realized i'd left my big coat in cph. of fucking course. and right as the first gusts of winter are sweeping through the city, too. i tried to reason to myself at first that i could do without it. then i realized that i'd be going to london on thursday (read: even colder) so i'll probably need to come up with a solution before then. i think i can find a coat for 40 euro or less at h&m, but that's 30 pounds i'd rather spend on souvenirs. then again, i have kind of wanted another coat...they have some really cute ones. meh.

i spent the plane ride half bothered by my dumb forgetfulness. the other half of me was focused on one of the most striking sunsets i've ever seen. from above the clouds, i could see the sun seep across the sky, both vertically and horizontally. the blood red orange led to a baby blue, which gave way to the deepest black. it happened to the left and the right, as well as overhead. i stared at it for about 15 minutes (meh, it was prob less), in utter awe of the most beautiful thing i'd seen all weekend.

i also just wanted to call mom and have her see it, too. i wanted to make her come look the same way she makes us come look at the sunset in san clemente.

now i'm crying on the RER, all by myself. sometimes how much i miss my family and friends surprises me. it's got incredibly force and it lurches on me so unexpectedly.

i've been so hard at work ignoring how much i miss home because i don't want to let it cloud my time here. i've only got four months, and even 1 day wasted on pining for home is too much.

but, as much as i might deny it, i miss the crap out of my family. i've never wanted to hug them so much.

i don't want to try to reflect on how i've changed and become more emotional on this trip. i just want to sit here in this bizarre mixture of desperate sadness and extreme joy. nobody really explained that i'd have this emotion. then again, i'm sort of glad for that. this emotional state is hard to explain, anyhow. heck, maybe someone DID explain to me that i'd feel this, but i just didn't understand.

now i think i've composed myself. geez, i didn't realize that i needed to cry. writing has always had this odd way of both unleashing my protected emotions and comforting me in a way few (if any) people can.

and to think, i came here initially to bitch about my forgetfulness.